Because of Joy

Four jobs I've had
01. field interviewer
02. some sort of an assistant
03. writer
04. marketing personnel

Four movies I can watch over and over
01. Matrix series
02. Troy
03. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
04. Titanic

Four TV shows I love to watch (damn i don't watch TV anymore)
01. Strictly Politics
02. Malcolm in the Middle
03. MacGyver
04. X Files

Four places I've been to on vacation
01. Bohol
02. Baguio
03. Nueva Vizcaya
04. Cebu

Four favorite dishes edible stuff
01. pizza
02. tortang talong with giniling
03. Rodic's tapsilog
04. white pasta

Four places I'd rather be in
01. Paris
02. Rome
03. Center Court, Wimbledon (hindi kita ginaya Joy)
04. China (where everything's huge)

Four people I'm tagging
01. Pamy
02. Sarah
03. Myra
04. Tasha

Sore sinews, Failing faith

Broken heels
Blistered feet

Shattered psyche
Splintered heart

And still a "no".

God I am tired.

V.S.

There's a secret path I follow
To a place no one can find
Where I'll meet my perfect someone
I've kept hidden in my mind
Where my heart makes my decisions
'Till my dream becomes a vision
And the love I feel
Makes him real someday

Am I living in illusion
Wanting something I can't see
If I compromise I'd be living lies
Pretending love's not meant to be
Cause I know my heart's worth saving
And I know that he'll be waiting
So I'll hold on
And I'll stay strong 'till then

'Cause I know he's out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we've never been together
We've never been apart
No, we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart.

V.S.

I - Resurrected

Completely forgot my username in this account.

Took me several weeks to recover it.

And so here I am

About half a year later...

More frustrated than before

More realistic than real

Older

Wiser... (I think).

Spur of the moment ramblings

The fact is, even if ADB, IMF, UN, or whatever heaven-sent company out there offers me my dream job right now, I will accept it without second thoughts, but a thick black cloud will always be hanging over my head, hanging around wherever I go, leaving me with doubts to my abilities as a person and further dilapidating my already shattered self esteem. I have never doubted in my capabilities as I am questioning myself now.

I’ve been living this past 12 months under this cloud and until now, I choose to crawl under the covers, wonder why, let out a deep sigh and blurt out “DAMN THIS IS FRUSTRATING!” This is rejection in one of its highest levels.

I feel I have to assess. There must be something wrong. Of the number of prospects I have been to, numerous exams and whatever’s, not one was confident enough to take me in seriously. I put myself out there each interview day, with my best foot so far forward, where I get my hopes up, only to be let down few weeks later. Something must be terribly wrong.

Is it my less-than-humble and definitely un-amazing credentials? Sure they can say that there are more qualified people than I am but it must also be true that there are also those who are less qualified than I am.

Is it my too-weak, unassuming personality? I’ve noticed how several prospects would comment how “good” or “different” I looked in my resume. How should I take that? What does that actually mean? Do they actually put this much weight on the superficial? Then maybe I should rethink if I still want to join the workforce at all.

Given these possible reasons, I just have to take this career-seeking endeavour personally. What do rejections say about me, without even considering the psychological implications that they may have on me? Even for the sake of argument what does it imply? It seems that I am simply unemployable for some freaky reason. Whatever it is, it is not going to appease me now.

In a few months or years, or whenever it is that God allows me to finally get a job even as a janitress, I will most definitely take the post and I will work hard. And it will only confirm my doubts this very moment – there must be something wrong but I can’t put a finger on it.

To Leave or Not To Leave

I am seriously contemplating on leaving this job after only three and a half weeks of being here. I am not being choosy or whiny about this. In fact, I believe I have both concrete and "imagined" reasons for feeling this way.

What has this job done to me so far? Let''s see. In some ways, my grammar is a little better. Unlike before when I wouldn't mind using the wrong tense of the verb, now, I literally have to check each and every verb that I use agrees with the subject and its tense. My belly is getting bigger everyday which I honestly believe is caused by this unhealthy lifestyle. I am not imagining my enlarged stomach. I can't even blog anymore. Not only because by the time I get home I would be too tired to do so, but more because I have to stay away from computer monitors at least after 7pm cause if I don't I would puke, literally. Before blinking cursors don't bother me. Now, every blink of this damn cursor meant another second was spent unproductively, - write something damn it. There are only 2 hours, 17 freaking minutes to finish paper and I have n freaking pages to go. Consider it backlog, again? More importantly, I may be well on my way to proving to myself that indeed, I am not a writer - at least not of academic and technical papers. Which is by the way good for me so that I can move on to other career prospects out there. I'm wondering what I would tell my future job interviewers: "I left the job because I realized I am not a writer". What' s that gonna say about me?

It's not that the job is all that bad. I am working with nice and patient officemates. Nice meaning I have a two-day task backlog and my immediate superior (I wouldn't call her boss) still manages to smile at me and be extremely polite. This is despite me being too unprofessional. I am comforting myself with the excuse that I'm still adjusting, just give me more time..." Heck, until when? I myself is sometimes disgusted with my working habits. It's not that I don't do my best it's just that sometimes, it's just not enough.

How do I measure contentment in a job? Second payday for me this coming Friday. I feel I deserve what I'm getting but maybe this position does not deserve me. I am seriously thinking of letting this go before they fire me, I'll save them the trouble. After all, they wouldn't want an unproductive employee and I wouldn't want to be fired. I don't like nasty marks in my future resume.

Nutmeg

I'd like to believe we still have some things in common but as it is, it seems that 10 years of growing apart has left us with nothing but shared childhood experiences. Maybe she didn't feel the same awkwardness that I felt in the middle of dead air when we talked on the phone. Unlike me, maybe she didn't have to calculate each word that she uses when she speaks to me. And I'm saying this not as if it's a bad thing. I'm just worried that time has made us two very different individuals, different from what made us click together back then. I feel her sincerity to catch up. It's always good to try to rekindle past friendships. I just fear there may not be enough thread of shared memories for us to go on. And when we realize how much different we've become, we might end up not liking each other.

I'd like to believe we still have some things in common but as it is, the one thing that prevails between us is pride. That I can admit. I can be very proud especially when I have high expectations from people. I believe my reasons for feeling aggravated by her are valid, but I don't remember hearing an apology. For a couple of months now we've been playing a who-talks-first-to-whom game and I know I can win this. Because I still feel bad. Because I had high expectations from her and she let me down. For now, despite the fact that I do want to talk to her, I am not about to call her. Because admittedly, I still feel my reasons for feeling bad still outweigh the reasons for eating my pride.

Bday morning

"I'M FREE AGAIN!!!" - napakanta ako ngayong umaga nung nabasa ko yung email message na nagsasabing pinapayagan akong mag-day-off. Parang si Inday, naligo ako agad, nagpaganda, nagpabango, at nagsuot ng pinakamagarang damit. Pupunta sana ako sa Luneta para katagpuin ang boypren ko pero malayo ang Luneta at wala akong katatagpuin doon. Pupunta ako sa skul para asikasuhin ang clearance at transcript ko.

'Nak ng pating. Kinabahan ako dun. May backlog pa naman ko pero pinayagan pa rin akong mag-absent. Kasi ime-make up ko pa yun sa Saturday so parang ganun din. At least hindi ako nakaupo buong umaga, hapon at kalahati ng gabi. nakatitig sa cursor na kumikindat sakin. Buti na lang nagkaroon ako ng totoong dahilan para um-absent ngayon nang hindi nila nalalaman na birthday ko. Sana mamayang gabi may panahon pa para hindi magpuyat. Inaantok na ko, umaga pa lang.

Perfect Form

Guilty pleasure.

Bandana. Mint green. Nike. Racquet. Backhand. Forehand. Melbourne. France. US. England. Switzerland. Curly hair. Eighty-eight. Twenty-four. African. German. Cool. Number 1.

*A sketch by one of his fans.